I enjoy browsing my WordPress dashboard to see what search engine terms lead strangers to running with carrots. I’ve meditated in past posts about my loyal following of Arby’s roast beef sammich eaters, but I’m also gratified that new readers find me by searching for “taxidermied dueling squirrel,” “Zadie Smith is pretentious,” “cheese with hair,” and “what do armadillos carry.” I assume that last person was looking for armadillo-related diseases and not wondering what sort of handbags armadillos prefer, or what firearms they use to protect their wee armadillo homesteads.
I appreciate these visitors and often craft in my mind entire narratives of their lives. What led this particular user to type “cheese with hair” into his Google window? Is he also having nightmares after unexpectedly encountering Robert Grober’s creepy haired cheese at the Menil? Oh, dear “cheese with hair” searcher! I feel your pain! I often wake in the deepest hours of night, imagining a spectral, mulleted swiss levitating in the corner of my bedroom, biding its time, waiting for the perfect moment to ATTACK!
Of course, most of my readers are friends and family. I was emailing recently with my friend Laurie about my blog readership, and she noted that while I often blog about my husband, Danny, he rarely comments on my posts. I responded by noting that Danny doesn’t read my blog. He contends that he doesn’t need to read my blog because he lives my blog. Apparently Laurie’s husband doesn’t read her blog, either, and provides the exact same reason.
I could offer many counter-arguments to the whole live-the-blog argument, most notably that I don’t always blog about my day-to-day activities, and when I do, I try to comment upon them in a measured way that does not correspond to our “How was your day?” conversations. If I was blogging each evening about what I ate for breakfast, Danny’s rationale would hold some water. And that would be a boring blog, anyway, because every entry would read “peanut butter toast.”
Mmmmmmm. Peanut butter toast.
Of course, I could take advantage of Danny’s non-readership and spread ridiculous rumors about him, claiming that he enjoys watching Toddlers and Tiaras (oh wait, that’s me) or that he eats Cool Whip directly from the tub (me again). But that, I suppose, would be immature and mean. And everyone knows what happens to immature and mean people. HAIRY CHEESE ATTACK!
Our blog conversations have taken an interesting turn recently, because Danny is considering beginning his own blog. This blog, tentatively entitled “In the Bag,” will be a place where he can offer advice, reviews, and commentary on golf equipment and other golf-related issues. I think this blog is a great idea, in part because Danny is very knowledgeable about all things golf, and in part because he would be able to share this knowledge with other golf geeks. Talking with me about wedges and irons and loft and lie is probably not very exciting. Wedges, after all, only make me think of citrus fruit.
Danny claims that if he begins this blog he will not require or expect my readership. Of course, he would appreciate my editing and superior spelling skills, which would require reading the posts, anyway. And I would read his blog! Because it is a nice thing to do.
Danny has not yet decided on this blog, and I told him I would blog about his potential blog (very meta!) and, perhaps, initiate a poll. And I am obliging. Because I am nice.