i just had a fantastic IM conversation with a college friend about naming my children. because, after all, the names of my children should definitely be decided in an IM box at 11:00 pm.
apollo: so, am i correct in remembering that danny’s last name is smith?
carrots: yes. very vanilla.
apollo: do you feel more vague?
carrots: i do. although i haven’t decided how i’m going to handle the last name situation.
carrots: my mom votes for ford-smith, although her enthusiasm dwindled when she heard that any kids would just be smiths.
apollo: i’d be afraid the Smiths and the Jones in America are in constant threat of accidentally dating their cousins.
carrots: YES but you can listen at restaurants and just take the next smith that’s called to an empty table.
apollo: of course you’d find the silver lining!
carrots: i’ve had quite some time to think about this.
apollo: well, you could be like lesbians and make up an entirely new like, like Smorf of Fith
carrots: fith is kind of nice. it sounds like a province in scotland.
apollo: or a dairy product.
carrots: a dairy product that involves some sort of curd.
apollo: Smord sounds like metal burning
apollo: not the process, the sound itself.
carrots: and hyphenating anything with smith sounds like you’re making something. ford-smith definitely sounds like i’m smelting together the frame of a taurus.
apollo: well, you’ll just need to come up with extra unique children’s names… honestly.. do we need another Bob Smith? Why not Calvary, or Vitamin?
carrots: Vitamin Smith.
carrots: i’ll have to bounce that one off of him.
carrots: we considered his mother’s maiden name, which is sterling.
carrots: but (a) that sounds like a TOTAL yuppie from birth
carrots: (b) he or she would have to go into the silverware business
carrots: sterling smith
apollo: i mean, its like naming a baby Jeeves expecting he will become other than a butler.
carrots: it’s just unwise and irrational.
apollo: i think it would need a really long first name.
apollo: now, i’m not married to it, but something along the lines of Mississippi or perhaps Alabaster
carrots: alabaster would at least be appropos. god knows i’ve never tanned beyond a faint transparent white, and i’m sure i’ll pass along the curse.
apollo: the middle name is key, too. we can’t be wimping out with a Michael or a Matthew.
carrots: perhaps something absurdly biblical.
carrots: alabaster jezzebel smith.
carrots: now if that isn’t a hooker name i don’t know what is.
apollo: Mississippi PillarofSalt Smith
apollo: and you could call her “Missy” or “Old Salty”
carrots: depending on my mood.
apollo: and her hem-line
carrots: the term “salt lick” just took on new meaning
apollo: assuming there will be more than 8 children (and lets not kid ourselves, anything less than 8 is just being selfish) you will need to come up with an elaborate rubic of sorts
apollo: I’m thinking Plants, Appliances and Colours, crossed with Meterology Terms, Zodiac Signs and Greek Letters.. and then you count across based on birth time
carrots: bidet gemini smith.
carrots: if you consider a bidet an applicance
runswithcarrots: which i sure as hell do.
apollo: Cuisinart Nimbulus Smith, Leo Pi Smith
carrots: in fact… forget having children. i’ll fill my peak reproductive years speculating on their names.
carrots: i don’t really feel like giving birth, anyway. it doesn’t sound like much fun.