and the first-born shall be called… vitamin.

i just had a fantastic IM conversation with a college friend about naming my children.  because, after all, the names of my children should definitely be decided in an IM box at 11:00 pm.

apollo: so, am i correct in remembering that danny’s last name is smith?
carrots: yes.  very vanilla.
apollo: do you feel more vague?
carrots: i do.  although i haven’t decided how i’m going to handle the last name situation.
carrots: my mom votes for ford-smith, although her enthusiasm dwindled when she heard that any kids would just be smiths.
apollo: i’d be afraid the Smiths and the Jones in America are in constant threat of accidentally dating their cousins.
carrots: YES but you can listen at restaurants and just take the next smith that’s called to an empty table.
apollo: of course you’d find the silver lining!
carrots: i’ve had quite some time to think about this.
apollo: well, you could be like lesbians and make up an entirely new like, like Smorf of Fith
carrots: fith is kind of nice.  it sounds like a province in scotland.
apollo: or a dairy product.
carrots: true.
carrots: a dairy product that involves some sort of curd.
apollo: Smord sounds like metal burning
apollo: not the process, the sound itself.
carrots: and hyphenating anything with smith sounds like you’re making something.  ford-smith definitely sounds like i’m smelting together the frame of a taurus.
apollo: well, you’ll just need to come up with extra unique children’s names… honestly.. do we need another Bob Smith? Why not Calvary, or Vitamin?
carrots: Vitamin Smith.
carrots: i’ll have to bounce that one off of him.
carrots: we considered his mother’s maiden name, which is sterling.
carrots: but (a) that sounds like a TOTAL yuppie from birth
carrots: and
carrots: (b) he or she would have to go into the silverware business
carrots: sterling smith
apollo: obvi.
apollo: i mean, its like naming a baby Jeeves expecting he will become other than a butler.
carrots: it’s just unwise and irrational.
apollo: i think it would need a really long first name.
apollo: now, i’m not married to it, but something along the lines of Mississippi or perhaps Alabaster
carrots: alabaster would at least be appropos.  god knows i’ve never tanned beyond a faint transparent white, and i’m sure i’ll pass along the curse.
apollo: the middle name is key, too. we can’t be wimping out with a Michael or a Matthew.
carrots: perhaps something absurdly biblical.
carrots: alabaster jezzebel smith.
carrots: now if that isn’t a hooker name i don’t know what is.
apollo: Mississippi PillarofSalt Smith
apollo: and you could call her “Missy” or “Old Salty”
carrots: depending on my mood.
apollo: and her hem-line
carrots: the term “salt lick” just took on new meaning
apollo: assuming there will be more than 8 children (and lets not kid ourselves, anything less than 8 is just being selfish) you will need to come up with an elaborate rubic of sorts
apollo: I’m thinking Plants, Appliances and Colours, crossed with Meterology Terms, Zodiac Signs and Greek Letters.. and then you count across based on birth time
carrots: NICE
carrots: bidet gemini smith.
carrots: if you consider a bidet an applicance
runswithcarrots: which i sure as hell do.
apollo: Cuisinart Nimbulus Smith, Leo Pi Smith
carrots: in fact… forget having children.  i’ll fill my peak reproductive years speculating on their names.
carrots: i don’t really feel like giving birth, anyway.  it doesn’t sound like much fun.


4 thoughts on “and the first-born shall be called… vitamin.

  1. My opinion, after having heard the tale of Allison’s old art teacher (Mrs. Wu) naming her kid Green (thus the combination Green Wu) – is that you have two options for a kid name: Black or Silver.

    Take the Smith name back to its roots. Very much old school style there.

  2. I’m not too upset about getting rid of the Smith in my name at some point, mostly because as a graphic designer I have trouble making a cool signature out of an angular A and M, and then a curvey S. I have always fantasized about marrying someone who has a last name beginning with an A, M, or W, because then I’d be able to come up with an awesome signature. Lucky for him, Nick fits into this fantasy perfectly.

    A Bit of Advice on being a Smith:

    NEVER give your last name when you’re out to dinner, someone will steal your reservation. Just use your middle name.

    If you have a common first name too, be sure to use your middle name on all official records. Shortly after she got married, my mom (Mary Smith, but after this incident she went back to her maiden name) got a call from the hospital telling her to come as soon as she could because she had a serious condition and was going to die in two weeks if it wasn’t treated. This was a mix-up with an unfortunate and very sick elderly Mary Smith.

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