hoo-rah for cased, processed meat!

danny and i had a great weekend… on friday night we went to an astros game. we had been planning on getting tickets for some nosebleed seats at the box office right before the game (or, as the case was, sometime during the beginning of the first inning), but while we were waiting in line this really nice guy gave us free tickets he had received from his workplace that he wasn’t going to use. turns out the seats were only eight rows back from the field. i was able to see the bored expressions worn by the outfielders. if i had so desired, i could have yelled obscenities at the bat boy. in truth, i sat happily in my eighth-row seat and ate an extremely large hot dog. after all, hot dogs are, in my opinion, the only reason to go to a baseball game.

because, after all, hot dogs are wonderful.

and on saturday we went to the driving range at memorial park to hit a few golf balls. and indeed i hit a few, surprisingly. and i felt, to a small degree, the satisfying ping nicholaspea spoke of. granted, my first few minutes with my new clubs were plagued by the presence of two little girls whose golf skills were alarmingly superior to mine, but soon after we arrived they left and were replaced by an older man who spent his time mumbling angrily at himself. overall, a very positive experience. i think i’m going to go back to the range on wednesday night, but unfortunately danny won’t be there giving me pointers more seasoned golfers would find more-than-obvious. these simple instructions labeled me a New Golfer and therefore freed me from any Bad Golfer shame. i need a New Golfer pin, like the “trainee” pin they give you when you start a new retail job — a pin that exculpates you, at least in part, from any time-consuming mistakes you make at the cash register.

in fact, i have decided that such a pin should be applicable to most life situations. technology-phobes attempting to use the self check-out at the grocery store could wear a “sorry folks… i cannot determine the produce code for the kumquat” pin. women making their first go at a strapless dress could wear a “just figuring out how to keep them in here” pin. those learning new and complicated fitness equipment at the local gym could wear “do i look like i come here often?” pin. first-year graduate students in english could wear a “i’m pretending to know a lot more than i actually do… and i don’t know yet that you are doing the same” pin. i actually saw a car in the rice parking lot last week that had a sign in the rear windshield: “new to manual transmission.” i like it.


3 thoughts on “hoo-rah for cased, processed meat!

  1. golf

    ah… the funny (and maddening) thing about golf is… even after many years of playing, you can show up at the first tee, do all your magnificant preswing rituals, make minor adjustments to the tee height, slightly tug the glove, stand over the ball, shake your money maker, rear the club back, let her rip, and then still barely push the damn thing past the children’s tee. it’s the reason amateurs nervously apologize throughout the round until the ball is safely in the hole at 18. Assuming anything but disaster will inevitably lead swiftly and suddenly to it.

    it is funny so many people (including myself) find this game “relaxing.”

  2. watch out for free tickets

    This is kind of random…but my brother and Mark got free tickets last week to the Mets game and ended up sitting right in the middle of a group of people on a field trip from an institution for the developmentally challenged and one guy repeatedly threw empty Motts Juice boxes at them. I find that sort of funny in a way

    • Re: watch out for free tickets

      okay so i know you posted this comment some time ago, but i just reread it tonight. i was in a bad mood, but the thought of gerard at a mets game being pelted by juice boxes cheered me right up.

      next time you talk to the jack, tell him i say hello.

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