in a world full of hatred and rage — full of filet-o-fish sandwiches and people who don’t properly store their grocery carts after unloading — large retail chains have the power and the responsibility to do their part to better our broken society.  as an active and optimistic citizen, i offer the following suggestion.

please, all mid-grade retail stores, stop carrying all clothing in size “2 long.”  size 2 is troublesome enough, as it makes 90% of the female population (and, granted, some of these women are those eating aforementioned filet-o-fish sanwiches) feel like something large and dying on the beach somewhere.  size 2 LONG only emphasizes the fact that not only are these ethereal, mythical women gap is catering to small.  they’re also leggy.

and i’m sure, in some utopia where fast food restaurants have abandoned the genre of fried fish and shoppers obediently corral their carts post-use, these six-foot size-2 women are lounging in ralph lauren bikinis, wrapping their slender legs (which never need shaving) around men wearing freshly ironed button-down shirts.  they are all laughing blissfully and slathering sunscreen on one another, even though they’ll never burn.

so gap, don’t spread the ugly feeling of inadequacy.  american eagle, stop tempting the average-figured teen queen to squeeze her size-8 body into your 2-longs.  the 2-long is a symptom of all that is wrong and diseased in this world.

but to end this entry on a lighter note, i will provide a list of…

things in this world that represent all that is good and wise:
1.  international delights coffee creamer
2.  self-checkout lines at grocery stores
3.  free candy at the bank
4.  half price books
5.  olive garden breadsticks
6.  fitted baseball hats
7.  pilot v5 superfine pens
8.  ray bradbury, william thackeray, and vladimir nabokov
9.  caramel-filled hershey kisses
10.  my nephew learning how to make the raspberry noise.  and practicing.  a lot.

feel free to add to this list or extrapolate on other world-ills in addition to the 2-long.


4 thoughts on “

  1. random male clothing shape complaint:

    as a guy with an ass shape and rather large (my excuse: years of playing various sports) thighs – it’s impossible to buy pants from any of the cool and fashionable places at the mall, eddie bauer excepted.

    it seems the ‘average guy’ has the equivalent of toothpick legs, or likes painted on pants.

    so to avoid the urban cowboy look I will continue my pilaging of the 38/32 (or the rare and coveted 37/32) half price dockers/slates/hilfiger pants from Marshall’s.

    • i have consistent problems with the way they size women’s pants (at least in the stores i can afford), and i’m amazed at how i can fit in everything from a size 6 to a size 11, depending on the store. i always thought this male waist-length measurement thing must make things easier, but apparently not.

      console yourself with this: men with toothpick legs are unattractive both at the pool and in the bedroom.

  2. i HATE self-checkout lines at grocery stores. i always have to wait for 12 minutes because everyone wants to check out “express” but nobody knows how to use the damn machine. myself included.

    what i would like is more clothing geared for people with my body type. which is that of a twelve year old boy’s. it can be noted as 0SSS: zero super-short-and-shapeless.

    • i hesitated in placing self-checkouts on my list of all things good and wise, as i’m aware of the problems they invariably cause. my biggest concern is the whole “place your item in the bag” thing, which isn’t a feature of all self-checkouts but which ALWAYS annoys the crap out of me when i’m in a hurry and don’t want to place my damn loaf of bread in the bag before i scan my lucky charms.

      mmm… lucky charms…

      but on point (2), perhaps we should open our own chain. specializing in our own body types. it might tank in a few weeks, but i’d get a few pairs of jeans that fir out of the deal.

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