in a world full of hatred and rage — full of filet-o-fish sandwiches and people who don’t properly store their grocery carts after unloading — large retail chains have the power and the responsibility to do their part to better our broken society. as an active and optimistic citizen, i offer the following suggestion.
please, all mid-grade retail stores, stop carrying all clothing in size “2 long.” size 2 is troublesome enough, as it makes 90% of the female population (and, granted, some of these women are those eating aforementioned filet-o-fish sanwiches) feel like something large and dying on the beach somewhere. size 2 LONG only emphasizes the fact that not only are these ethereal, mythical women gap is catering to small. they’re also leggy.
and i’m sure, in some utopia where fast food restaurants have abandoned the genre of fried fish and shoppers obediently corral their carts post-use, these six-foot size-2 women are lounging in ralph lauren bikinis, wrapping their slender legs (which never need shaving) around men wearing freshly ironed button-down shirts. they are all laughing blissfully and slathering sunscreen on one another, even though they’ll never burn.
so gap, don’t spread the ugly feeling of inadequacy. american eagle, stop tempting the average-figured teen queen to squeeze her size-8 body into your 2-longs. the 2-long is a symptom of all that is wrong and diseased in this world.
but to end this entry on a lighter note, i will provide a list of…
things in this world that represent all that is good and wise:
1. international delights coffee creamer
2. self-checkout lines at grocery stores
3. free candy at the bank
4. half price books
5. olive garden breadsticks
6. fitted baseball hats
7. pilot v5 superfine pens
8. ray bradbury, william thackeray, and vladimir nabokov
9. caramel-filled hershey kisses
10. my nephew learning how to make the raspberry noise. and practicing. a lot.
feel free to add to this list or extrapolate on other world-ills in addition to the 2-long.