i started drinking a glass of wine at night to help me sleep. now my body has started to become accustomed to the alcohol, and i end up awake and a little tipsy (and alone) at 1:00 in the morning. for some reason this always seems like a good time to email my professors. i should think about a well-placed cautionary post-it note on my laptop.
but no such trivial matters tonight. i’d like to address something much more important. a public service announcement, if you will.
like most people, i prefer a certain type of pen. my pen of choice is the precise extra-fine V5. it is, after all, extra-fine. as far as i can tell they stopped selling it in packs of just-blue, so i recently bought the rainbow pack and ever since have been enjoying blue, purple, green, red, and black precise extra-fine V5 writing utensils. i was happier than the proverbial pig-in-slop.
but halt! cease the celebration! my love of the precise extra-fine V5 has been sullied by pen-abuse. i will cite two examples (two of many friends… many) of such abuse:
(i) i lent my green precise extra-fine V5 pen to a classmate in my jane austen seminar. when she asked for a pen, i chose the green because i thought its color might prove calming. serene almost. this girl — who frequently takes notes in hot pink marker — needs the quieting influence of my kelly green precise extra-fine V5 pen, i thought. but alas! in the middle of class, and to my horror, i noticed aforementioned pen borrower (turned pen abuser) doodling a very intricate and dense graffiti pattern into her notebook. not only did this piss me of f because she wasn’t paying attention in class (yeah i’m a huuuuuuuge nerd), but she was wasting (WASTING!) the precious ink of my green V5. at least she returned it at the end of class. never again will i lend my pen to someone who does not respect the V5.
(ii) at work i was using the same green V5 to proof a manuscript going into our next issue. again, i had only the calming effects of the green ink in mind. i didn’t want to injure the delicate egos of the economists who submit their manuscipts with the bolder, fiestier ink of my red precise extra-fine V5. i encountered a problem in the proofing and called in my supervisor, who hastily snatched up the green V5 and placed it… OH, the HORROR… in this mouth. now my green V5 is sullied with spittle. it will never be the same.
ladies and gentlemen, respect the pens.
things that should still be sold but aren’t because capitalism sucks:
1. packs of ONLY BLUE precise extra-fine V5 pens
2. chocolate teddy-bear shaped marshmallows (briefly marketed by pillsbury)
4. chocolate-mint chip soft batch cookies
5. lacoste polos at a reasonable price
6. microwavable brownies and cupcakes
7. microwavable s’mores
8. the perfect-pants at express that look great on me and don’t require ironing
9. indulgences that will send me directly to heaven like a bubble in a soft drink (jk. kind of.)
10. in the words of , why does everyone expect a #10?